MOVIE REVIEW: BATMAN V. SUPERMAN- DAWN OF JUSTICE (2016)

Spoiler: Perhaps the worst movie I have ever seen.

Dawn of Justice (2016) somehow manages to be more boring, more offensive and ultimately just worse than Man of Steel on so many levels. At the end of the movie, I felt equal parts rage and just being absolutely bored by the DC movie universe. Somehow, this manages to even triumph over Fantastic Four as literally one of the worst movies I have seen. I am thinking of taking the Linkara approach and calling them Steve and Ray instead of Bruce and Clark as there characters sucked so badly. I give fair warning that this review will be more a stream of consciousness as I think of things that annoyed me. Oh, and Spoilers.

The Civil War trailer was awesome. It looks like it is a Captain America movie through and through (despite having every superhero in it), unlike this movie where it is more about Batman and Wonder Woman and Lex not shutting up than Superman. And it looks like it is doing hero vs hero right. It can't disappoint me. But compared to this, one decently choreographed fight scene would be good.

The movie is 2.5 hours. 2 of these hours is spent trying to contrive a reason for Batman and Superman to fight and also teasing Wonder Woman and a Doomsday/Revised Zod coming out. When Wonder Woman comes out, it is treated like a big triumph (complete with music) so sure as heck is not earned (apart from DC not doing it for so long). She is a character that stands for nothing and has no motivations (apart from a little bit of exposition towards the end at Superman's funeral to give the most bare basic of motivations). And her motivations is that she is a scared girl.

This is universe building at its worst. For every Avengers, Winter Soldier, Guardians of the Galaxy and Ant Man that are 100% awesome from marvel, you need things like Amazing Spiderman 2 or X-Men Days of Future Past where the universe is used as an excuse for the movie. This is corporate profiteering. But the best parts of this are the equivalent of the worst parts of Amazing Spiderman. This makes Man of Steel look mediocre (a HUGE upgrade) and Avengers: Age of Ultron to be a timeless classic (making the first Avengers something made by God for us poor mortals). At least they don't have Lex not shutting up for every scene he is in.

This movie is a mess. Parts of it are randomly narrated by Batman, part of it dreams and part of it from another point of view. And it is all stupid. People blame Superman for an alien race trying to take over the planet instead of, you know, Zod. Superman spends allot of it being angsty. They all figure out it is Luthor halfway through and proceed to do nothing about it. There is a big build up about the governments decision about Superman only for it to literally mean ABSOLULETLY NOTHING. This is like Avengers if the whole movie was just the fight between Iron Man, Thor and Captain America in the forest and the rest build-up.

There are some parts I liked. Bruce Wayne racing through Metropolis while buildings collapse from Zod and Superman fighting is cool. Superman saving Lex from Doomsday without hesitation was cool. Superman flying Doomsday to space was cool. But every part of this was filled with even more idiot ball moments. For example, Bruce is mad at Superman because one of his buildings collapsed killing his employees, but they don't evacuate (despite seeing the terraforming engine) until Bruce rings them to tell them.

And then EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER TAKES A GIANT IDIOT BALL. The fight between Batman and Superman pretty much involves Superman inhaling poisonous gases while somehow not getting away with his super speed and reflexes and senses until Batman beats him up. Batman is a stupid man who nearly kills the symbol of hope for NO GOOD REASON. Lex Luthor just won't shut up while he is trying to be annoying. Clark's mum tells him he shouldn't help anyone. And I wish Nolan, Snyder or whoever is in charge of this mess gives up their love affair of having Batman beat up Superman. And since when did Batman have visions in his dream. Wouldn't that be more suited to Wonder Woman if anyone.

From the very first line in the movie (some quasi-philosophical-sounding-but-garbage-when-you-think) I leant over and said this looks shit. And I was excited and wanting it to be good. The trailers had me believing they would do something. Instead, I could write a Film-Crit Hulk style essay about just how much they get wrong. Henry Cavill is a decent Clark but bad Superman. Ben Affleck is probably the best with his horrible lines. And won't Lex Luthor just shut-up already.

There are other characters that ultimately mean nothing. Seriously, I hope everyone pirates this movie. I hope everyone involved get out of the film industry. This makes Phantom Menace look like A New Hope. I am struggling not to just go through scene by scene and just highlight why this is all so stupid and pointless and tiring. I want this to flop. I hate to think how much they can stuff up Suicide Squad or Justice League. I don't have too high standards (I liked Sucker Punch), but won't Lex Luthor please just SHUT UP.

0 out of 5 Despairing Steel Waffles.

MOVIE REVIEW: 10 CLOVERFIELD LANE (2016)

Jumping onto the Cloverfield name, 10 Cloverfield Lane had a troubled production. Beginning as a separate movie, the script was modified during pre-production with the inclusion J. J. Abrams  and a franchise. It also had an marketing campaign that relied on the mystery box and very little hype (as opposed to Superman, which we know nearly everything about).

This movie is good. The less you know about it the better going into it as it relies on keeping you guessing and throwing out red herrings. The story is fairly simple (watch the trailer to see what it is about). However, the tight script and characters make it all come together good.

The acting is good. Each of the characters bring believability to their characters as people you would meet on the street, or at least expect to exist. Their isn't any particular evil chessmasters or super-hero types in the story, which actually works to its benefit.

The camera work and music is also good. Shot mostly in a single locations, the music and shots serve to emphasise that you only know as much as the characters. It also tends to match the mood, with stressful moments having claustrophobic close-ups while wide, open-type shots used when the stress levels lessen. This really helps pace the movie with quiet moments making the stressful moments feel even more impactful and preventing audience burn-out.

It is hard talking about the story. All there is to know is that it all works and comes together well. The acting and directing is really good and the movie is a low-ball success.

4 out of 5 Kaiju-Waffles

MOVIE REVIEW: REVENANT (2016)

Revenant is the latest offering starring Leonardo Di Caprio. Set during the frontier years of the colonisation of America, this movie is a very deliberately paced revenge story. Pretty much, Tom Hardy kills Di Caprio's son and now he must track him through the landscape for his vengeance.

If the story sounds simple, that is because it is. The drama in this movie isn't set-up by a convoluted story full of twists and turns, but by the characters themselves. The story sets up all of their prejudices and motivations and then lets things unfold, for the most part. And it isn't just the characters standing against each other, as the very landscape and the locals all have their part to play.

The landscape in this movie is stunning. The shots and the music are their to support the view of the landscape and how unforgiving and harsh this is. From snowy expanses to raging rapids, this film goes out of its way to show different bits and pieces of the landscape. Occasionally, the story does feel like it takes  backseat just because the filmmakers wanted to show some shot.

When the story takes a backseat like this, the film can really start to feel like it drags out. There are definitely times that it feels like parts of the movie could have easily been cut and not lost anything on the revenge story. Their are allot of subplots in the movie and, although they all kind-of come together, they don't really have a big impact on the story.

So overall, The Revenant is good. It does run long and it could have done to be a bit tighter of a story experience. However, it did set its own deliberate slow pace which for the most part works.

4 out of 5 freshly hunted waffles.

BOARD GAME REVIEW: DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES (2015)

Dead Men Tell No Tales feels most like a pirate-themed version of Pandemic or Operation: Flashpoint. And while it certainly feels like it borrows/steals allot of the mechanics of these games, it definitely puts it's own unique spin on the formula that makes it an engrossing experience.

Telling the story of a band of pirates who have defeated a cursed ship in combat, the story starts as you are trying to loot treasures off the ship. With a very real ticking clocks of both a sinking ship, burning rooms and swarming deckhands, there is real feeling of pressure mounting as you are trying to co-operatively get the required number of treasures.

The components in this game feel a bit subpar. While the artwork is beautiful, some of the tokens could have been better. For example, the cardboard tokens for the cursed crew could have been tokens, and their could have been exploded rooms for the starting areas. Even the artwork sometimes gets in the way of seeing the doors clearly. However, all the components are serviceable.

The actual gameplay involves exploring the ship to find guards and kill them to get a certain amount of treasure. This is new compared to Pandemic and Flashpoint which don't have combat to them. The rest of the mechanics feel similar, with deckhands replacing virus' and the fire building up then exploding to nearby tiles similar to flashpoint. The other new mechanic is how damage works, with fatigue being used for combat damage and to move into burning rooms, as opposed to straight-out dying. These couple of extra elements makes the game feel allot less alpha-player than Pandemic and Flashpoint can feel, with your actions not always feeling dictated by others.

Overall, Dead Men Tell No Tales is an engaging experience. The only real downside is that some of the components could have been a bit better for this game. Apart from that, I heartily enjoy raiding a burning ship to try and get my loot out in time.

4 out of 5 Sunken Waffles

MOVIE REVIEW: NOVEMBER MAN (2016)

November Man is a spy-offering starring Pierce Brosnan. Following the exploits of an American spy agency in Russia, it weaves an web of twists into its story. However, despite the twists and turns present in the story, it failed to resonate.

November Man begins in the past with Pierce Brosnan acting as a decoy and his protégé shooting someone who tried to take him out. Flash forward and Pierce Brosnan is ordered to extract a Russian official who he has a history with. However, he appears to be acting rogue and then has the CIA chasing him as he attempts to sort out his mess.

At the end of the day, November Man is passable. November Man's main failing is that it you can both see the twists coming but at the same time the twists don't emotionally resonate with the story. For example, Brosnan is quite happy to sacrifice an innocent girl to test a theory (fatally wounding her to test his ex-protégé's reaction) but is haunted by the collateral damage of one innocent bystander. The actual twists and double crosses also fall back to familiar cliché's about who is behind it all.

At the end of the day, the story is just a miss. For less running time, you could watch an episode of Burn Notice and probably enjoy it much more. The idea is good but the writers should have been a bit more risky with how it all played out.

2 out of 5 Calendar Thumbs Up.

ANIME REVIEW: HUNTER x HUNTER (FIRST 15 EPISODES)

Hunter x Hunter is a really good show so far. It follows the story of a group of students (Gon as the main character, a 12-year old boy) as they go through an exam to become Hunters (an elite police force). During this trial, they are put to the test by the examiners and other students. Oh, and there are giant monsters and magic powers.

Hunter has a good cast of heroes, a villain who they are building up well and an interesting story premise. The characters are an interesting mix of typical tropes with twist and humanity to keep them interesting and wanting to see where they go. Even the side characters have unique powers and looks to make it interesting.

The animation is also beautiful in this. The colours and fighting is vibrant. Although there is some teleportation style combat, it fits in with the theme of the show. Everything about this show is nice. It is highly recommended and I hope it continues to be as good for the remainder of the series.

5 out of 5 Hunted Waffles.

BOARD GAME REVIEW: TINY EPIC GALAXIES (2015)

The third in the tiny epic series of games (kingdoms and defenders were the first 2), Tiny Epic Galaxies takes players into space to see them conquer the galaxy. It does this by, once again, using a totally new system than the previous two games. This time, dice are involved.

In Tiny Epic Galaxies, each player gets to roll a certain amount of dice and get actions based on these dice. These include flying ships, earning resources or trying to colonise a planet. Once a player has earned enough victory points, the game ends. Any goal cards completed are then scored and the final victory points are scored to see who the winner is.

At it's core, this game has a push your luck mechanism with rolling dice. Do you spend resources to re-roll or try to make do with what you have. Even though there are no real bad options, there are definitely better options depending on which planets you are exploiting. The other consideration is that opposing players can follow dice that you have used on your turn. This introduces a bit of gamesmanship (sometimes) and maybe makes you second guess using a valuable action (especially in a 2-player game).

Although it is a tiny game, there is allot of thought needed for each move in this game. Player interaction isn't very high in the base game (as it effectively is each player racing individually) so opposing players turns can be slow. This is a problem when the game goes to 4 or 5 players (but even 3 players if the players take turns slowly). This means that the game often overstays its welcome as a short game (probably by 5-15 minutes), but there is a nice sense of escalation as your empire becomes more powerful.

There is also no real way to attack other players (past some planet abilities and following) in the base game. Fortunately, the Satellite and Superweapon expansion adds in Superweapons that you can use to give more direct confrontation between players. If direct confrontation isn't your thing, than you can just leave them out as well.

The components for this game are excellent. However, the player mat should definitely be larger (or I might scan and print a larger one out on some good card stock). Larger boards can fit in the base game and the player board is so cluttered that I would have preferred it to be larger and clearer, with maybe bigger resource trackers as well. But you get cool sheep meeples and custom dice so all good.

This is a solid game. However, the small player mats and the slowdown of the gameplay on other players turns means that it is not quite an excellent game, but it is solid.

3 out of 5 tiny epic waffles.