Retro Movie Review: Dark Shadows (2012)

 Dark Shadows was a bit of a weird film to watch. It seemed like it had a lot of elements that should have made it a good movie. However, the execution leaft allot to be desired as it feels like it jumps between themes and keeps shooting itself in the foot when it comes to a cohesive narrative.
 Directed by Tim Burton, Dark Shadows stars Johnny Depp as an immortal vampire who has been buried for 200 years. He was turned into a vampire and buried by Eva Green, a witch who he had an affair with but did not love. When he awakens, he finds his descendants living in his mansion but living as a very dysfunctional family, the family business (of fishing) in ruins, Eva Green still alive and running a competing fishing business and a girl with a hidden past who he falls in love with again, apparently.
 At the start, it feels like the love story was meant to be the central plot of the movie. However, Dark Shadows tries to keep allot of plates spinning. This includes Depp's rivalry with Green, Depp trying to make sense of the world around him, Depp's love story with the girl (who is his descendant's family's governess), Depp trying to re-establish the family business, and Depp getting to know his family and fitting in with them (it is a wonder anyone managed to do anything without Depp's character for 200 years). Unfortunately, it never really solves this problem. Instead it just sort-of jumps between the plots, each with (at best) a flimsy connection to eachother.
 So while each plot, when viewed individually, works, once they are combined, the whole movie becomes a thematic mess. You immediately jump from  what is meant to be a dramatic, romantic scene (between Depp and the governess) into a comedic scene (such as Depp trying to figure out how a television works). Some plot threads are just dropped or left alone in what feels like a cheat when they realized there wasn't a good way to work them into the story of Depp being the good guy. For example, Depp murders a bunch of innocent teenagers/young adults out in the woods having a camping trip, but when it comes time to the showdown between Depp and Green, the town just kind-of forgets about the murders he has committed and hail him as a hero.
 Overall, this movie feels like a collection of short scenes stitched together after being put through a blender. And overall it doesn't work. The movies theme jumps around too much without any clear direction. Eventually, I got tired of trying to figure out whether a scene is meant to be serious, comedic or would even matter in 10 minutes times and lost interest.
 1 out of 5 Dark Waffles.

Movie Review: The Lone Ranger (2013)

The Lone Ranger movie that was released earlier this year is a re-imagining of the old Lone Ranger mythos. It garnered quite allot of attention for casting Johnny Depp as a Native American and received quite a critical backlash on release. Although I can see why this movie was critically panned, I still found it to be entertaining while it lasted.

The storyline of the Lone Ranger is a bit of a schizophrenic mess. The story is effectively Tonto telling of his adventures to a young boy in a museum, so some of this can come off as an unreliable or biased narrator. The story begins with The Lone Ranger arriving into town as an attorney and an inept action hero who doesn't believe in guns. No real reason is established for his extreme dislike of guns. He is also in the shadows of his heroic ranger brother which is built up to be a big thing, but is then forgotten about except as a running gag with Tonto. When he is killed but brought back, it might have been because of a mystical, intelligent horse, or just because of luck. When he comes back, he is a “spirit walker” and therefore can’t die in battle, except it might just be random luck saving his life. Without any sort of consistent theme, the story struggled to get out of first gear as it kept jumping between what was central to the plot.

The movie also struggled to find a consistent tone. It often alternated between trying to be a serious action movie and then have elements of slapstick comedy. This is no more apparent than in a sequence where you witness a massacre, and the next scene appears to be a somber reflection by Tonto until he makes a joke about the horse. This was also a problem with the characters, as the big events that you would think would lead to character development (such as the aforementioned massacre) don’t really affect the characters too much. Even finding out more about their history and the mistakes in their lives doesn't the characters anymore interesting. Instead, it feels like it was only put in there because the writers needed to actually give the characters some development, although it never seems to affect any of their actions.

Despite this, it was refreshing that the movie didn't make the mistake of taking itself too seriously for the most part. It did realise that its main appeal is as slapstick comedy with some out-there action scenes. In fact, it is only when the movie does try to become dark and broody that it really starts to drag out. I can see why the critics would savage the movie due to the mess of a storyline, inconsistent tone and complete lack of character development, but it did keep me entertained for its running length.

2 out of 5 Wendingo-killing waffles.