2016 really outdid itself with bad movies. But while Suicide
Squad and Batman V Superman were bad, somehow this movie (while slightly more
competently put together) feels worse. Tim Burton’s latest offering to the
world of cinema feels like a pandering mess.
The movie follows a boy (probably 17 years old or something)
who is the grandson of someone else. The grandfather tells the son stories of
kids with powers who he knows. As the
boy believes these to be true when he is too old to believe in this, thus
leading to social isolation and bullying. He is also a social outcast with no
friends.
However, this all changes when he goes into a time loop,
meets these people with powers, and has to save the day. Because, shock of
shocks, he has the most special ability of all: the ability to see invisible
monsters who hunt these people. This makes him one of the most special of
special people, just like his grandfather.
Samuel L. Jackson plays the villain leading the monsters.
Eva Green plays the headmistress. And the movie degenerates into a pandering
mess. I can’t be bothered to finish explaining the plot because it is dumb. The
social outcast find his place, falls in love with a hot girl his age just
waiting around for him, and generally being the most awesome person in the
world. And all this is generally a kids movie.
However, the bad guys also graphically eat body parts and
the invisible monsters are body horror. This is a painful juxtaposition. At
least movies like Eragon didn’t have horror in amongst them as it went about
its wish fulfilment. Here, we have some adult themes (i.e. isolationism) with
very adult horror in a movie to appeal to kids.
This doesn’t even mention things like the horrors (capable
of killing whole schools) being killed by one crossbow bolt. Or how all the
love developments just happen without any sort of character development. Or how
the hero suddenly becomes a confident tactician and warrior despite being
useless and with no training. At least Green Lantern had that short training
montage.
So definitely a movie to miss. I can’t believe I am doing
this, but I would recommend Batman V Superman over this. At least it doesn’t
try to pander to the stereotypical outcast nerd who is suddenly awesome as it
goes about being awful.
0 out of 5 peculiar waffles.
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