ESCAPE PLAN

Escape Plan is the newest action vehicle for aging action icons Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger. This movie has the heart of a classic action movie which I think is about two decades late. I think that it is a shame this movie wasn't made back in the 80's. Escape plan is everything Stallone and Schwarzenegger symbolized back in those glory days. The whole movie premise is boiled down to a simple good guy versus bad guys action flick. It twists this idea around a bit with the bad guy being the warden and the good guys being the prisoners, except for Stallone.


Stallone is actually a professional prison escape artist. As Seek.com has informed us, there is actually a super specific job out there for all of as. And for Breslin (Stallone), that job is spending his working days locked in a prison with all assortment of bad guys. He's made a rather tremendous living from doing so.

When the CIA offer a ridiculous amount of money to Breslin to escape from the high-tech prison built to hold the worst of the worst, it doesn't take much convincing for Breslin’s ass to be hauled off to the undisclosed super-prison 'The Tomb'.



Unfortunately, things don't go quite to plan and Breslin is left to rot. This where he makes muscle buddies with Schwarzenegger, a man with some important knowledge about some other dude. Sure there's some importance to Schwarzenegger’s character, but really he is just there to ham up the scenery and play ultimate 80's team up buddy to Stallone. With their knowledge combined they'll thwart the evil warden and escape the prison.


Obviously if you've ever seen one of Arnie’s or Stallone’s movies you'll totally know what to expect. Lots of one liners, plenty of unnecessary action and a semi-coherent story that links it all together. I enjoyed it. That's mostly due to neither Stallone or Schwarzenegger acting or recognizing their ages. They are clearly enjoying themselves is such a cheesy production that it's kind of infectious. Schwarzenegger never misses an opportunity to be hilarious. He cemented himself as a legend when he made me laugh while he was being tortured. I mean, how many other actors can make you laugh while they are being waterboarded ?


The support cast are all decent, but Jim Caviezel really does steal the show as the evil warden. Escape Plan may be a couple of decades late, but Schwarzenegger, Stallone and Caviezel don’t let that stop them. I highly suggest getting some friends over and getting drunk while watching this throwback to the golden action days of the 80's.


3 out of 5 aging action waffles.

Movie Review: A Winter’s Tale (2014)

 All I can say following this movie is wow. It certainly lives up to the hype and will make me appreciate probably every other movie around. Winter’s Tale is a movie that, just when I thought it finds it’s groove, proceeds to promptly lose it and then somehow get worse. The only consolation is that Colin Farrell doesn’t go full paedophile at the end with the young girl he is meant to save from cancer. As a disclaimer, I went into it expecting it to be bad but was buoyed by the new Guardians of the Galaxy trailer that morning which caused me to have a slightly more optimistic view on movies.

A Winter’s Tale is meant to be a love story. And at the beginning we are introduced to our hero, Colin Farrell (or Peter Lake) running from some people. He then proceeds to slit one of their throats, but it is okay because there is no blood and no body. Then we see it is Russell Crowe’s gang chasing him and Russell himself is there, complete with face scars to show that he is evil. But Colin is saved by a white horse who his stereotypical native American spirit guide/foster dad say is his spirit animal.

There is also a girl who is dying of consumption who Colin Farrell falls in love with, plot-amnesia and Will Smith as the devil himself. But at this point I had contented myself that this was one of the worst movies ever and started listing things in my head I would prefer to do for 2 hours:

1.       Watch the Guardians of the Galaxy and Winter Soldier trailers for 2 hours straight.

2.       Cook a delicious roast dinner for that night.

3.       Go on dodgem cars.

4.       Check out my village in Animal Crossing.

5.       Watch 3 random episodes of House.

6.       Go to the beach.

7.       Sleep.

8.       Clean my apartment.

9.       Listen to INXS while bouncing a 2 tennis balls (one each hand, of course).

The only good parts about this movie are Will Smith, playing a cheeky out-of-time devil, and Russell Crowe hamming it up. This is more than offset by a story that alternates between making no sense or, when it does make sense, is so completely stupid it makes JackAss look like it deserves an award for Best Story. But then again, I did expect it to be bad so what am I complaining about. They already got my money and the bad movie didn't disappoint.

1 Cold Waffle out of 5.

Movie Review: Grudge Match (2014)

So Stallone and De Niro are back again to prove that age does not weary them and old people can still hang with all these young hipsters around. Now if only all these young people would stay off their lawns all would be right with the world. And oh yeah, they have a boxing match about a thirty-year old grudge to sort out.

Sylvester Stallone plays Henry "Razor" Sharp and Robert De Niro plays Billy "The Kid" McGuigan. Thirty years ago they were rivals for some boxing belt and they went 1-1 before Henry quit boxing. Since then, Billy has become fixated on the deciding match and never really moved on with his life. In present time, their promoter (played by Kevin Hart) gets them to agree to the deciding match and the rest is history as they go through the inevitable "look how much the world has changed" moments (i.e. being introduced to Mixed Martial Arts and UFC) until their absolutely massive deciding match.

The main problem with this movie is it doesn't try to cast anyone as the villain and this does not work. In all previous fighting movies that I liked (Never Back Down, Rocky) it always had a clear-cut villain. Instead, this movie shows both characters as flawed people who have made mistakes in the past and haven't accepted much responsibility for them (particularly with the super-weak and reactionary female character of Kim Bassinger). But then during the course of the movie it shows them slowly moving on and accepting responsibility for what they have done. As both characters go through their personal journey, you are left without any clear heroes or villains, and as a consequence the final fight feels flat when it should feel like an exciting climax.

Apart from that, this movie just feels very formulaic and lacking in risks. You know the fight is going to be huge and grow through social media (or "virally" if you want to misuse that word). The slap-stick "old-guys still got it" moments are funny but forgettable. How no-one takes them seriously until they start to draw money is foreshadowed and very predictable. Even the last second lapses in judgement by Henry and Billy to create drama are very predictable.

That is not to say Grudge Match is a bad movie. It moves at a decent pace and is entertaining with a good mix of drama and comedy. However, without the writers taking a risk to cast someone as a villain or breaking from familiar plots and tropes, this movie just feels predictable and boring. This is truly average fare at best.

1.5 out of 5 old-timer waffles.

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY: THE MARKED ONES

After watching the latest Paranormal Activity I'm starting to think the evil witch-demon convent are over thinking their recruitment strategy. I'm sure a simple advertisement in the back of a local paper or craigslist would get better results. I have written a draft letter to get them started:


Evil Spirit Looking For Friends To Play With Over Summer.

Lovable yet incompetent teenagers needed to play with possesed "Simon Says" toy, fighting blankets, midnight games of hide and seek with friendly witches and trips to alternative dimension. Contact creepy old lady to find out more.

This approach might be easier than a highly elaborate plan to mark children from birth. It gets even more elaborate when they then have to find and steal said children with the hopes of creating a demon army. I am pretty sure they would have enough emotionally damaged kids that would sign up after reading my ad. After several disappointing sequels Paranormal Activity is back with an offshoot called The Marked Ones. I am not sure how it fits into the series but as a stand-alone movie it is rather dull. Nevertheless the true horror fans will continue to see these movie until the apocalypse starts.

The Marked Ones does suffer from an identity crisis. For some reason more comedic elements have been added to this installment. This really undercuts the horror elements of this movie. We begin being introduced to a new series of characters, Jesse, Hector and Marisol, who prove quite likable as you watch them have do mundane things like surf the internet, do washing and play basketball. Eventually the movie starts to play towards the horror elements with a humorous game of Simon Says with a possessed toy with four colours. When Jesse starts asking "yes or no" questions the demon replies with either pushing green for yes and red for no. They do this 3 times in the movie!! And it is never eerie 

Even the build up to Jesse being possessed feels underwhelming. The movie never really explores his descent into anti-social behavior and borderline sociopath tendencies. They just kind of happen after he's told they will by another marked one. Once Jesse does turns evil they have him disappear until the end of the movie. This conveniently lets Hector and the Marisol figure out how to rescue Jesse with the help of a stereotypical latino gangster. Its a shame the film didn't take a chance with this old and tired formula. This movie could have been a chance to reinvent the franchise. Instead we were given a uneven movie that is more humor than horror. Hopefully the next Paranormal Activity will move beyond the possession plotline and actually bring some demons out to play. I am sure that they will be scarier than more scary flying sheets.
 
1 out of 5 demon possessed waffles

MOVIE REVIEW: RUSH (2013)

Rush is a movie about car racing based on real-life events. If this sounds boring, bear in mind that it sounded boring to me as well. However, The Social Network (about the creation of Facebook) showed me that even the most boring sounding movies can occasionally be awesome. On the other hand, of course, even awesome sounding movies can be quite bland (I am looking at you, 47 Ronin).

Well, Rush is awesome. This movie is based around the Grand Prix series of races in 1976 and the rivalry that developed between two of its leading competitors. James Hunt (played by Thor himself Chris Hemsworth) and Niki Lauda (played by Daniel Bruhl) are locked in a rivalry to determine who is the number 1 race car driver. This rivalry also transcends them in that it shows a battle between passion, raw talent and recklessness (represented by Hunt) against professionalism, preparation and cold calculations (represented by Niki) to see which one will come out on top.

Director Ron Howard nailed the tone of this movie. It would have been easy to cast either Niki or James as the outright villain. James could have been shown trying to inject some life into a sport that has become far too clinical, or Niki could’ve been shown trying to prove that being professional can succeed even when you are not born with raw talent. Instead, this movie shows them both as heroes and villains simultaneously. Rush shows what drives each of them to push eachother past their limits instead of going for a simple hero/villain route (except for maybe the final scene), but it never feels like it didn’t have the courage to do this if it wanted.

This decision elevates this film above simply what it appears to be on paper. It is the story of a rivalry where two equals vie to see who is best. When the film shows them racing, it reinforces this point. Although a couple of races are cut short (with a racer retiring with no explanation), the car races are shown to be close, gritty and dangerous affairs. The camerawork is excellent both showing the adrenalin-rush of racing at high speeds and also contrasting Jame’s playboy lifestyle vs Niki’s more sombre life.

Rush is an excellent film and one of my favourite films of 2013. For a film based on Formula One and a couple of their drivers, and based on a true-story, I cannot believe I was riveted by it for 2 hours. Although some of the races felt a bit short and the end may have started to feel a little bit preachy, it just goes to show that you can make an awesome movie out of anything. And yet, even with adding magic, 47 Ronin (also based on a true story) ends up being pretty disappointing.

4.5 laps out of 5 on the waffle-circuit